Sorry for the uncreative blog post title but I’ve had a couple grievances simmering and it’s about time to take the lid off and share. Today’s snark, brought to you bright and early at almost 3am (I’m up late, not early), comes from the fact that I can’t even read a book to my kid or play a goddamned video game without being bombarded by stupidity.
First up, the book, entitled (appropriately enough) The Belly Book. You may notice it’s by the current publisher of Dr. Seuss’s books. It is not, however, by Dr. Seuss. It is by some bozo named Joe Harris, because Dr. Seuss would never put his name on this crap. I don’t know who Joe Harris is, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t get his ass kicked enough as a child.
To understand my ire, it is not enough to look at the front cover. No, we must read the book to our child all unawares, and then stop up short at the following pages.
Silly fat guy. Everybody knows the only socially acceptable body parts that should take up a two-page spread are tits and ass.
If you don’t want to be a fatass when you grow up, kids, be a vegetarian that eats fish*.
There were more pages about not eating junk food or else you’ll get a tummyache, which would actually not be so bad of a message if it were I dunno remotely true. You’d be amazed how much crap a kid can put away and not feel sick afterward. Boggles the mind. Hell, I can’t even drink a full twenty ounces of full-sugar soda anymore without feeling funny later.
But holy shit. I got the book because it looked like it’d be a cute rhyming book about bellies. It was, too, until I got to the preaching. Can I not even read a book to my daughter without running across this shit? Must I flip through every book I check out of the children’s section of the library now before I check it out, in case more of this garbage is out there?
Don’t get me wrong. It is important to teach our kids how to eat healthy. But…
- If I want Random Q. Stranger interjecting themselves between me and my daughter during storytime before bed, I’ll ask. Keep the shit out of her books. The time to talk about proper eating habits is at the table. And that’s for me to decide, not someone I don’t know.
- This information was presented as How To Not Be A Fatass When You Grow Up (or, I guess, more properly Fat Gut), not How To Grow Up Big, Strong, and Healthy. Shit, adults probably aren’t allowed to present “growing up big and strong” as a good thing. I mean, totally, who wants to be big? Yuuuuuck! Gag me with an alli pill!
- Also, far too much nutritional advice out there is bullshit, especially that aimed at kids and their parents.
For instance, I mentioned I had two grievances. My second one is this. I just recently began playing Plants vs. Zombies by PopCap Games. Tremendous game, you should totally try it. The adventure segment was shorter than I thought it would be, but there is so much more to the game software afterward that it’s still worth it.
That part isn’t my grievance. My grievance was the cute little song running during the credits after I beat the big zombie boss. The song is awesome for the most part. Except for this little line about brains containing cholesterol, but it doesn’t matter since the zombies are already dead.
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.
You know, for the past forty years those assholes in the government have been telling us “don’t eat cholesterol, don’t eat saturated fat, it’ll clog your arteries.” In the last forty years we’ve seen rates of mental illness, attention deficit disorder, heart disease, diabetes, and cancer skyrocket. There are lots and lots of possible culprits for these things, but we live in a stressful world that is constantly exposed to radiation. (It’s part of the reason we have evolution here. The natural levels of radiation present on Earth are one of the major causes of mutations that lead to evolutionary changes.) If we were that damn fragile we’d have died out as a species long ago. I can’t believe it’s just lifestyle that is making us sick. It’s got to be the food.
And here’s the thing. Yes, we have in the past forty years changed over to more and more industrial foods as a percentage of our diets. However, and you knew there would be a “but”–What do these food companies do as a selling point for their crap? Think about it. Ever read a label? Not the ingredients or the nutrition information but the front of it. This is most often done with breakfast cereal. What do they put on the front of the damn package to make it more appealing to buyers?
Right. They tout the nutritional benefits of the food.
What benefits do they usually point out? Do they tell you the food is chock-full of sugar or cholesterol or saturated fat? No. They usually brag about fiber or vitamins and minerals or about the food being low in fat.
So people are eating more and more industrial food. Do you think they just mindlessly eat whatever the fuck they see in front of them or do you think they might look at those nutritional claims and go “whoa, this says it has fiber in it and it reduces cholesterol. I should eat me some of this”?
I think you know the answer. Because you’ve done it, and I know I sure fucking have. Hey, it’s HEALTHY! The label says so! Fuck it! In the cart it goes!
So do you really think we’re all dropping dead of heart attacks because of a little CHOLESTEROL?
Seriously?
Think about it. And get this shit out of my video games because it stopped being funny twenty years ago. Thanks in advance.
No love,
Fuck you.
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*Fish is a vegetable, after all. Isn’t it?
